Don’t Cry

Everyone knew what was the best for you
What had your eyes blinded they could all see through
So you take a step to change and don’t know what to do
Now everything is shattered and you don’t have a clue

As everything around you seems to crumble and fall
You realize you’re left alone to deal with it all
They say to spend time with your family and friends
But depression will blur those lines’ beginning and ends

They say that no one deserves to suffer alone
Yet not a single fucking person seems to own a phone
You don’t want to be that friend who bitches and moans
Was anything rebuilt on blind hope alone?

In fact, hope’s the thing that lead you into this place
Hope to see past what was done to your face
Hope that if you loved enough you could erase
Hope that all they needed was some love and grace

All you want is a friend; all they see is a weight
Endless days and days you start to ruminate
And over time you start feel that they can’t relate
Demons screaming so loud you can’t concentrate

“Boy, cry, and I’ll give you what to cry about”
So you learn to stuff it down and lie it out
But inside they can’t hear so you scream and shout
Stuff your face in the pillow to muffle your mouth

You fall back to what you know will numb the pain
As you feel their fingers pointing at you in blame
Hell you know three are yours but it’s all the same
And all it does is amplify the guilt and shame

Asking for help just leaves you stigmatized
“Just tough it all out” is how it looks in their eyes
“At least it isn’t as bad as the other guys'”
And why the fuck do you think we learn to disguise?

“I made it through, I know where you’ve been.”
Then tell me how the fuck do you start to mend
When reality around you starts to warp and bend
Days, weeks, and months all start to blend

Forget all about how they say you should feel
Unless you acknowledge it then you’ll never heal
No matter who says that it’s not a big deal
It doesn’t make the pain of loss any less real

Phase Shift

I watch as everything becomes fluid

Things I thought were solid melt away

Formless masses take shape and solidity

The vision is disorienting

As foundations evaporate, where shall I drop anchor?

Should I drop anchor?

Resting in the chaos, a stillness takes shape

Curiosity.

What will all this reveal?

Will the dissonance resolve to harmony?

Lines bend, blur, coalesce, dance

Is this actually happening? Am I imagining it?

What is imagined? What is real?

I breathe in the chaos, exchanging information with existence

I breathe out a stillness, harmonizing the dissonance

Observe.

Evaporation. Sublimation. Condensation. Deposition. Annihilation.

Creation.

Anchor in the stillness.

I am here.

Half Awake

For years I’ve searched. Led by the maps of others. Trapped on the paths I know. Confined by existence. Trapped by reality. Imprisoned by my lack of awareness. This is not my existence. This is not my reality. I was told it should be this way.

I don’t believe it.

I must go. I will go.

Within, to the furthest recesses of my mind. What lies within that I cannot see? How do I learn to see? Beyond. Can I break the barrier of beginning?

When did I begin?

Without, to the edge of time, reality, and existence.

Where is that border? What’s beyond it?

What do I carry that will allow me to reach that threshold? To cross it?

Can I?

Will I?

Where will it all lead?

When will it end?

Will I end?

Will I still be human? Something more? Something less?

I don’t know. I’m afraid of knowing. I must know.

Light cannot be perceived without darkness.

Space without density

Motion without stillness

Heat without cold

Gain without loss

Life without death

These opposites shape perception. Perception shapes reality. What do they create in the space between?

What does it all mean?

Have I been here before?

Will I be here again?

How do I break this cycle?

Did I lay out this path for this iteration of myself? Where are the markers? How do I know where to go?

Will angels guide me? Will demons? Will I know the difference?

Who will I meet along the way?

Will I ever find you again?

Did I ever find you?

Did our paths ever truly cross?

Have I ever found me?

There is a place beyond that which we know.

I’ve seen it in visions. I’ve seen it in dreams. I’ve felt it calling.

A place where matter and energy seamlessly interchange.

A place of instant manifestation. A place where reality bends to the will.

We communicate without words. We interact without a medium.

A sea of light, place beyond time as we understand it.

A place of understanding. A place of knowing.

Where is this place? I can still see it, like the light of a distant star. It’s flickering. Hazy. All but forgotten.

How do I reach it again?

Is it the end? Is it a beginning?

I cannot be swayed by the paths I thought I knew.

I cannot hold onto what I think I know.

I know nothing.

I know the way. The way is within that leads to the path without.

I have to find it again.

I will have an answer. This is my answer.

I hear the call.

The past always ends at this moment. The future always begins in this moment.

I exist in this moment.

I know where I am.

I know the first step.

Let go. Release that which was trapped. Open that which was closed. Remember that which was forgotten. Raze that which was built.

Let go. The way will manifest from there.

Never look back.

I won’t look back.